Christmas presents for the British basketball program

As you can see from Kige’s beautiful costume, it is Christmas time! Across the country, and in some cases, the world, people are standing around their Christmas trees, opening presents and enjoying the holiday spirit. For some, that means reading the Christmas story… for others, it means wrapping up the presents Kige Claus brought… and for some, it means ignoring the alcoholic relative sitting in the corner. Whatever your tradition, we all know it's the joy of Christmas! The Kentucky basketball family, however, must not be forgotten this Christmas, so we at Kentucky Sports Radio are now proud to present to you the official 2007-2008 UK Basketball Christmas Gift Package:
Billy Gillispie: What do you give the man who has everything and a house as big as Rick Pitino's ego? Well, after watching the last 10 games, it's clear that what he really desires is quite simple…a great man who goes deep into the depths. While some suggest we should try to get a Bowie, Mashburn, or even Eric Daniels-type big man, we're pretty frugal here at Kentucky Sports Radio. Kentucky could use big men right now that are on the bargain shelf at your local Target market. So under Billy Clyde's tree, right next to a new Kentucky belt buckle, will be a wrapped Jules Camara… that's perfect for any coach entering the SEC.
Ramel Bradley: “Ra-Smoove” has had a season of ups and downs so far, matching his career in Kentucky with ups and downs. But no matter how much Bradley may frustrate you, he also has that sly rebel look that makes you cheer for him in the end. Being from Brooklyn, Ramel misses his hometown a lot. That's why we're going to give him a Brooklyn Dodgers baseball cap that can help him support his hometown, and that he can certainly wear a little sloppy to fit in with the guys. Oh, and also, to keep Ramel and “sloppy” in the same sentence, we're going to get Bradley his very own restraining order in Fayette Circuit Court to keep Jonathan Webb and his style of music away from him at all times. Ramel can't survive another “Stand Up”-like performance…
Joe Crawford: It's very likely that Joe doesn't even know it's Christmas, as he's been dribbling towards the basket with his head down for the past three days, so it will be a big surprise if we give Joe C a new wig to allow him to cover up his horrible bald head. Joe, we all make mistakes in life that we have to overcome. There was the time UK recruited Nate Knight, Bill Keightley put the pink sock on the away kits and the Turkey Hunter insisted Jay Leno was funny. Everyone has turned their lives around and moved on… and you can too. But no more shaved heads please… yours make Powder's head look stylish.
Jodie Meeks: A doctor…who can make you well…like now…no, I'm serious, Jodie….now….get well….just do it.
Michael Porter: The man from Modesto, who got married before the season and is therefore unable to enjoy the fruits of his labor in the UK, deserves a break from all the criticism he has to endure. So we give him his own Jai Lucaswho can start and put Porter back in the role he's used to, a competitive reserve player who can come in and score the points and shoot the threes. The stress is off Michael's shoulders and we can all have little Jai as a pet.
Perry Stevenson: Perry's gift is a new box of hangers for his dorm. As anyone who has ever seen Perry play can attest, while wearing a hanger in his uniform during games is good for his posture, he certainly feels a little uncomfortable with it. Since he sweats all over them during competition, the hangers may need to be replaced in the new year.
Jared Carter: Sometimes the best gift is the one that makes the man happiest. And for two years now, we have been giving Jared O Charleys Vouchers. Every year he uses them up by February and then has as much artichoke dip and fresh yeast rolls as a man could ever want. Why mess up perfection?
Mark Krebs This is a man who desperately needs Courses on anger management. We all know the story of a man who terrorized the UK cafeteria by running around calling patrons “girls” and terrifying everyone he met. UK simply cannot allow such a force to roam campus unprotected any longer. Cancer must be stopped…now.
Patrick Patterson: Patrick urgently needs a new bottle of holy water. Before the season, Alex Legion's mother told the press that she poured holy water into Patrick and Alex's shoes every day to make sure they would be blessed. Now Patrick no longer has a roommate (which can be a good thing), but he also has a severe shortage of holy water, which leaves his shoes dry but less blessed. We're going to fix that this holiday season and make sure Patrick gets the blessings he so richly deserves.
Morakinyo Williams: Rogaine…Early detection and prevention are key.
Dusty millsFor a child of Dusty’s age, he urgently needs Parental supervision. Rumor has it that Dusty's parents got on a plane over the Christmas holidays and forgot about him, leaving him home alone. If he's not careful, Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci will come to the neighborhood and craziness could ensue. Dusty's parents, if you're reading this, please come back immediately.
Ramon Harris: Finally, we give the person who is furthest from his true home, 24 hours of daylight. While such an event might disrupt the sleeping habits of Razor's opponents, he himself will find it perfect, ensuring he can make the most of his “no-dribble” game. Few know that in Alaska, dribbling is not required and you get points for good lateral quickness…. while that scoring feature may not be implemented in the lower 48 states, the blinding light of the sun at 4 a.m. may give him “razor sharpness.” So, there you have it… AJ Stewart and Mark Coury get nothing because they're both Jewish. Dwight Perry hasn't yet said thank you for his gift from last year (a name on the back of his jersey), so he gets nothing either. And the existence of AJ Schenerbencerkexernckjeckerbekrecbe has yet to be confirmed, so we didn't want to waste our money at this time. Kentucky Sports Radio wishes you all a Merry Christmas!