What does the perfect Premier League season look like for football fans who don't have a fighting spirit of their own? | Premier League

I like these double-page spreads that give you a little team guide ahead of the new Premier League season. Arrivals/departures, thoughts on the manager. The heart says third, the head says 15th. Dave – the club's podcast host – speaks for the entire fan base when he says Dejan Kulusevski is in for a big year.

Just the right amount of information for the neutral viewer before all the predictions fall apart in the middle of the first game of the day. But what does the perfect season look like for someone not in the game – who just wants the right amount of great football, chaos, crisis horns and controversy?

Predictions for this season come with a lot of Asterixes, or often just one big Asterix if you listen to the right people. Profitability and sustainability rules, point deductions, looming deductions mean a lot of the major news won't happen anywhere near a football pitch. At Manchester City, it's a big season for… Lord Pannick. It's a close call between him and Rodri for their key player. They can get by without Haaland for a while, who uses all sorts of false 9s, but without Pannick – do they have enough depth to beat the Premier League?

Now it's obvious – justice is key to these 115 charges City are denying and fighting. If City are found not guilty, there is no punishment – move on. The court of public opinion (ie do you support City or not?) has already decided and will continue to decide long after any verdict – but if (big font, please, lawyers) they are guilty – then what is the ideal punishment? Over the last four seasons they have averaged 89.75 points. Over the same period, the team that finished 18th has 30.75 points. So a 59-point deduction could mean City need a win on the final day to ensure survival. It could be like BC and AD climbing above zero points in March. With City out of the race, Arsenal clearly deserve it, having kept things exciting right up to the closing stages over the last two years. And the football is great. It would almost be worth it for Ian Wright's Instagram alone – dancing in big pants or singing behind his wheel. Contagious joy.

And yet, isn't it reassuring that they keep falling short? A sort of more successful Spurs. Mikel Arteta crouches so low that the seams of his trousers give way – perhaps because of a controversial VAR call. It would be a Subscribe behind which many people could hide.

So Liverpool. It's hard to know what to think of Arne Slot until Arne Slot has given us reasons to think something of him. Open territory, then. We all owe Liverpool a debt of gratitude for denying a team seven titles in a row – 2019-20 feels like a different era and it's easy to forget how incredible they were. Of course, the idea of ​​Liverpool winning a title sets off a chorus about how insufferable their fans would be. But if memory serves, they were about as insufferable as any other group of fans who win something – If not the title, a proper season needs a few cliched glorious European nights at Anfield – give us all a chance to say “under the lights” and watch with envy.

Aston Villa would perhaps be the most loved, or rather least disliked, title winners. Their first since 1981. A likeable manager in Unai Emery, exciting football. On the other hand, there is the fact they are unlikely to win the league. The same goes for Spurs, who are really fun to watch under Ange Postecoglou. Both of his incarnations are good value – the chipper, optimistic and witty Ange at press conferences, and the Ange who stares at the floor at every question and clears his throat in a seething distance. If I'm honest with my Spurs-supporting self, the neutral would probably vote for another trophy-free season. It's the constants in life that keep us going. How about a VAR disaster denying them a trophy, just to see how grudging they can be.

Of course, anyone who isn't a Manchester United fan and lived through the 90s is just waiting to witness the implosion of Old Trafford. Can we hear a “We're talking about Manchester United” from Roy Keane before the end of the month?

Who doesn't hope Chelsea get into the transfer market and bring in a few more attacking wingers? There simply aren't enough hours of content to determine Enzo Maresca's starting XI. More stories of players having to sit on the floor, stand on the top deck of the bus or sit around the hotel. Noni Madueke and Kiernan Dewsbury-Hall have to use teaspoons to eat their crumble.

Elsewhere, it's Goodison Park's last year. Prepare for endless montages of Graeme Sharp and Andy Gray, of Tony Cottee and Peter Reid. Given the financial difficulties, bankruptcy is a real possibility, so the best hope remains that the club is still functioning in May. It's a shame their last game isn't at home – but how about the relegation that was secured last week in the sun-drenched Gwladys Street End when Séamus Coleman headed Barry Horne into the top corner from 30 yards?

While we're on the subject of avoiding relegation, let's have a closer fight at the bottom of the table than last season – and at least one of the new signings to stay up there. And that has to be Ipswich. It's been so long it feels like they've never been in the Premier League. A new camera angle, a couple of new goal nets. With apologies to Leicester and Southampton, we put Kieran McKenna's side in 17th place.

And then we need a team that has been around for a while to go into freefall in February, while another unexpectedly makes a push for Europe. Brentford, Brighton and Crystal Palace can fight for those two teams.

What else? Close-ups of West Ham fans absolutely furious about something. Howard Webb constantly driving to Wolverhampton to deliver personal apologies to Gary O'Neil in novelty cheque-sized envelopes. An unexpected goal of the season – Fabian Schär taking full advantage of Philippe Albert. A perfect photo of home fans all in unison, with their faces twisted, cursing a former player celebrating in front of them. That should be hung in the Louvre. More Ally McCoist. More former pros not understanding the Laws of the Game. Fewer penalties for handball. Please.

The best league in the world (excluding European trophies) is back. Good luck to you all.