Women demand better quality of famous billionaires

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man who has a fortune must need me,” said Janice Boston of the other Boston in Lincolnshire.

“This is what we were promised. A young, fabulously rich, dashing, roguishly charming Mr. Darcy, sometimes in full military uniform, sometimes dressed only in goose fat, ready to swing down on me from a chandelier in the ballroom.

“But look at the reality. Every famous billionaire out there today is a pickled, onion-faced nutcase with more character flaws than Trump Tower. Pathetic, whining morons with more false ego than sense. You just wouldn't do that. Not for all the Amazon warehouses in the East Midlands.

“And to be honest, I don't care if they're single or not, or which 21-year-old, mindless, money-grubbing model bitch they're marrying this week. Just give us a halfway decent guy who isn't as crazy as a squirrel's shopping cart, who isn't more wrinkled than a plum in a screwed-up Sun, and whose carpet weave isn't so bad it's a sure sign of male undergrowth in the butt crack.

“Get rid of them all before they kill us all from their bunkers like badly written Bond villains and hand over their ill-gotten gains to Ed Gamble.”