Argument between friend and brother is a warning signal

Dear Abby: I have been seeing a man named “Barry” who worked with my younger brother. They had a falling out at work and Barry was fired for misconduct. My brother, “Rob,” is mad at me because I am still seeing him. Barry has reached out to Rob to apologize and see if they can move on. Although my brother has forgiven Barry, he has chosen to have no further contact with him and wants to continue to control the story.

Is it wrong for me to stand up to my brother and continue the relationship? I have had previous abusive relationships that did not concern Rob. But when it comes to him, he lets me know he is “disappointed” or concerned about my well-being. I have set boundaries with both of them, but this argument was between them, not me. – Torn in South Dakota

Dear Torn: The fight between your brother and Barry must have been a real blow if he lost his job. You mentioned having “past abusive relationships,” which tells me your husband selection behavior may be a little skewed. Barry may have anger management issues that need to be addressed.

Whether you like it or not, your brother is right that Barry could be dangerous. The argument may have happened between them, but who can stop your friend's quick temper from getting the better of you? Your relationship with Barry could be dangerous to your health, which is why I strongly advise you to move on and find someone more stable.

Dear Abby: I have a loving relationship with my wife, who is 10 years older than me. Last year we talked about her wanting to retire from working life. She is 63 and has worked her whole life. Financially we were not 100% prepared for this step, but I am happy that she is happy, enjoying time with the grandchildren and doing other things.

The problem is: sometimes she gets bored. When she's bored, she spends money and organizes things for us that I don't like – like camping. I still work full time and enjoy my relaxing weekends at home. I think it would be helpful for her to find a part-time job. I've suggested it, but then she reacts with hostility and asks if I think she's wasting her time. It becomes an awkward conversation.

Any suggestions on what I could say so that I don't upset her while also making her realize that she could find something else to keep herself busy and contribute financially? — Trying to Keep Up in Arizona

Dear try: Tell your wife that you're glad she's enjoying her retirement, but you're still working full time. Then remind her that you weren't fully prepared financially when she decided to leave the workforce. Explain to her that you need the weekends right now to rest, not to go camping, which is one of your least favorite activities. And while you're at it, mention that you know she likes to shop and that a part-time job would give her more money to do that. I don't think these statements were meant to be inflammatory.

Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.