Having trouble getting your kids to talk about school? Think outside the box, says family therapist

NEW YORK — CBS News New York continues its back-to-school series. Next up, we'll look at how to ask your kids how their day was.

This standard question often elicits answers like “good” or “fine.” But as education reporter Doug Williams learned, the key to changing the answers is changing what you ask and when.

Think about what can happen every day at school. Children can succeed or struggle, get into trouble or earn a teacher's praise, meet new friends or get into arguments with old ones. But getting kids to talk about it can be like pulling teeth.

“I think too often as parents we do it by forcing everything we want to know on our children. We want to know where they stand and what they like or don't like,” says Darby Fox, a family therapist for children and adolescents.

Here are some techniques parents use

Williams spoke to some parents in New York City. Everyone has their own strategy for this. But the overarching theme seems to be that it's not just what you ask that matters, but how you ask it.

“I think that constantly asking questions doesn't work. They will always say nothing happened or 'I don't know,'” said Edwin Leung. “The opposite is to ask: 'What did you hate about school?' And then they will talk about that.”

“I always ask, 'How were the chicken fingers or the pizza?' Because the kids love food,” says Bathann Amendt.

“You kind of have to wait for them to come to you,” added Lisa Meloni Ragusa.

Patience is Chatisha Hosten's strategy for communicating with her son, who is dyslexic.

“He has to process it before he can talk to me about it,” Hosten said. “Instead of asking, 'How was today?' I just sit back and then when we drive home or leave, he asks, 'Can I tell you what happened today?'”

Fox says even if you want to talk to your child about schoolwork or grades, it's best not to ask about it first.

“The kids sit there all day and it takes a tremendous amount of concentration to get them to behave and stay on task,” Fox said. “Give them a chance to relax. Then they'll tell us.”

Trust is everything

Windy Lopez-Afflito is a mother and former educator.

“Parents want their kids to do well. We want to believe they're doing well. We work hard. We trust our teachers,” Lopez-Afflito said. “As a parent, I try, and I encourage my students' families, to trust our gut. We trust that we really are the experts on our kids.”

Trust teachers and use them as the valuable resource they are. But at home, even though it may not always seem that way to parents, experts say they are the experts.