Coping with a tragic loss: A chaplain's guide to dealing with trauma and grief

Our community was shocked and saddened by the recent loss of a promising young radio host, Johnathan Vreeland, originally from Hinesville but working here in Statesboro at Foundry Broadcasting. Shortly before his death, he was covering a local high school football game in Claxton.

As a media company, we were particularly devastated by the loss of a colleague who died in the line of duty. We reached out to our friends at Ogeechee Area Hospice for help in dealing with grief and trauma, not only for ourselves, but for many who witnessed this accident or knew or worked with Johnathan.

Nick, OAH Senior Hospice Chaplain Spletstoser has given us useful information and tips to deal with the consequences of this loss. We are sharing this information here with anyone who may be affected by this or other tragedies.

After a traumatic loss such as this, students, parents, and community leaders will be left with many questions. The impact of such an experience on those affected will come primarily from two areas. The two reactions are the traumatic response and the grief response.

Many have heard the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTS) and are often intimidated by the term. We start here with understanding the trauma response, not PTSD.

Many experts are convinced that the symptoms of PTSD can be prevented and better managed in the long term if initial treatment is provided early enough after a traumatic event.

In order to provide some support to families and students who have experienced trauma such as this tragic accident and may also be feeling grief, I would like to offer some first aid to parents, students and community leaders.

Trauma response

Parents:

• Support your child and give them space to talk or express what they have experienced. However, don't force them to talk about it. Your support is more important than making them talk. Sometimes forcing them to talk can re-traumatize them (and you).

• Recognize the signs and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder: avoidance (of related activities and/or people), sudden mood swings, over-arousal (insomnia, startle reaction, difficulty concentrating), and reliving the event, also called a “flashback.”

• The signs and symptoms may appear immediately, but not always. Most research says that if left untreated or support is not offered or provided, it can take 5 to 10 years for the signs and symptoms of PTSD/PTSD to appear. So you don't have to think that the symptoms have to appear immediately. Just be aware and alert.

• Remember that traumatic experiences your child may have can lead to what is known as complex trauma.

Students, witnesses and victims:

• Try to understand that what you have experienced is not normal, but the psychological and sometimes spiritual reactions are normal responses to traumatic events. Trauma is a wound of the psyche (or mind). Sometimes this wound also affects us spiritually, especially when the experience involves a death.

• Remember that you were not the only one who experienced the event, but you don't have to react in the same way as your best friends or others. If others cry but you don't, that's OK. If you can't sleep but your friend had no problems, that's normal too. Everyone experiences and processes a traumatic experience differently.

• If you feel you are able to, talk to an adult you respect (parent, grandparent, religious leader, teacher, coach, etc.), but don't expect answers. Your goal is to put your experiences into words and get them out there, rather than keeping them inside.

• For those who were more involved in or connected to the accident, you may experience what we call “survivor guilt.” This is a reaction to the tragic loss that may make you feel, “It should have been me, not them.” If you feel this way, you may want to talk to a counselor or therapist about your experience.

• If you find this experience difficult, it is not because you are weak or unable to “handle it.”

Mayor:

• Encourage the use of counselors, therapists, clergy, pastors, and trauma professionals from the local community.

• If someone wants to talk to you about what happened, try not to pass judgment, opinion, or personal thoughts about the incident. Simply focus on listening to the student, victim, or witness and giving them a safe space to express what they went through.

• Typically, it is recommended to have a Critical Incident Stress Management (CISM), also called Critical Even Debriefing (CED) as soon as possible. This is a 2-3 hour structured group session that helps those who have been exposed to a traumatic event process their experience. Sometimes these events alleviate symptoms of PTS/PTSD. Please note that CED or CISM are not forms of therapy.

• Remember that while trauma is a psychological condition, sometimes it is best treated with both spiritual support and behavioral health resources.

• Support groups should not be limited to students or victims of the traumatic event only. The parents or guardians of the students also need to be part of a support group to educate and inform them on how they can help their child deal with this traumatic experience that they (the parents) were unable to protect them from.

Grief reaction

Some of you may be grieving because you knew Johnathan on a personal or professional level. You may have memories of positive experiences and encounters with Johnathan, but the new reality is that there will be no more experiences.

This shock and loss contributes to a feeling of grief. While PTSD/PTSD is primarily psychological, grief is primarily an emotional response to the loss. People process grief in their own ways, but many refer to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's five stages of grief. These are denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance.

These reactions are very common in people experiencing the loss of a loved one or close friend. Many seem to believe that they occur in the order listed here. However, experience in dealing with grief and complicated grief shows that we emotionally “bounce back and forth” between emotions. One day you may have “accepted” the loss. Then later that same day you “negotiate” with God to “take me instead.”

Grief is a journey We all have to go through this. Some sooner than others. Here are some tips to help you get through this journey and make the loss more bearable.

• Join a grief support group: The journey of grief should not be undertaken alone. The feeling of loss arises from a lack of relationship. It is best healed through constructive relationships.

• Remember the deceased: There will be funerals and memorial services for Johnathan Vreeland. Please attend. Or remember him in your own constructive way. Avoid risky or potentially dangerous ways of remembering someone.

• Keep a journal of your memories and experiences: Therapists have found that journaling is a helpful tool for people who are grieving or “stuck” in their grief. It is an effective way to express your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes this includes “writing a letter” to the deceased.

• Practice religious or existential exercises such as prayers or meditations. Incorporate breathing exercises and reflections on comfort, hope and peace.

Remember that grief is a journey and can last a long time. Sometimes even years. Time doesn't heal the loss, but by connecting with others, sharing the grieving process, and focusing on moving on, you will find that the burden of grief becomes lighter. That's because you don't have to carry your grief alone.

I also encourage those who are grieving to change their perspective and understanding of grief. Many see grief as a precursor to depression, anxiety, or other negative behaviors. Over the years, as a hospice chaplain, I have thought about what grief is, and sometimes say that grief is one side of a coin. On the other side of that coin is love.

We don't mourn for things or people we don't love or who never showed us love. We mourn only for those who have loved us and touched our lives, and who we love or who have loved us.

I heard author Jamie Anderson say it at a reading: “Grief is love that has nowhere to go.” When you grieve, know that it is because you were loved and loved someone very much. There is a blessing in pain.

Nick Spletstoser is a nationally certified chaplain with a Master of Divinity in Pastoral Leadership from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary and a Master of Science in Community Counseling: Family Counseling from Columbus State University. He has served as chaplain at Ogeechee Area Hospice since 2012.

He also serves as a chaplain in the Army National Guard where he was trained in family counseling, trauma management, critical incident stress management, PTSD treatment/support methods, suicide intervention, and moral injury support methods. He is a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and Clinical Pastoral Education International.