The way we educate boys affects everyone – so it is everyone’s responsibility

First of all, let's agree that parenting is hard. Period. Whether you're raising boys or girls, a mother of one or more children, a mother of babies or teenagers, it's all hard.

I'm a mother of two boys – a 16-year-old and an almost-teenager – and I just love it. I love raising sons and wouldn't trade it for anything. (See also: Please don't ask me if I want a daughter.) As much as I love it, I have to admit: I'm constantly confused. There's so much about boys that I don't understand – the noise, the constant fighting, the impulsiveness, the inability to put their socks in the laundry, so many things.

Related: The mother-son bond is tender and unbreakable

Adding to the confusion is the pressure to “get it right” because, God knows, I not I want to raise a privileged and spoiled boy. So how do I do this—an imperfect mother committed to raising boys who are respectful, compassionate, and empathetic? How do I set realistic expectations for their behavior as boys while also setting appropriate standards for acceptable behavior? How do I see them for who they are while raising them to become the kind and empathetic men I want them to be? How do I help them feel comfortable in their own skin while breaking the tentacles of toxic masculinity that grip every aspect of our lives?

Admittedly, we have come a long way since my oldest son was born and received onesies that said “future heartthrob” and “little prince” and the phrase “be a man” was much more ubiquitous than it is today, but there is still so much work to be done.

A few years ago, I watched The Mask You Live In — a documentary written, directed and produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom that follows boys and young men as they struggle to live authentic lives while grappling with America's narrow definition of masculinity — and it changed the way I raise children. If you haven't seen it yet, put it on your list of movies to watch statistics.

The documentary interviews parents, young boys, teenagers, youth advocates, teachers, mentors, coaches and men in the prison system to explore the harm caused by harmful social constructs of masculinity and the way we raise boys. When I say “we,” I don't just mean parents of boys, I mean all of us. Because we as a country, as a society, as communities, are all raising boys.

The way we raise boys and young men has lasting effects not only on them, but on our entire society. According to the Representation Project, which produced The Mask You Live In, research shows that boys in the United States are more likely than girls to be diagnosed with a conduct disorder, be prescribed stimulant medications, drop out of school, drink excessively, commit a violent crime, and/or commit suicide. None of this happens in a vacuum, nor are the effects limited to the individual. They affect all of us.

93% of the prison population is male, and according to the Sentencing Project, about half of U.S. inmates are parents. This is devastating not only for the parent-child relationship, but for the entire family. In addition, a child of an incarcerated parent is five times more likely to go to prison.

And the impact doesn't end there. According to Stephen Dubner of Freakonomics, “a father's involvement with his children is associated with all sorts of positive outcomes, from better academic performance and improved social and emotional well-being to reduced crime, risk-taking and other problematic behaviors.” In other words, boys need other men to show them how to be a man. When we remove men from boys' lives or set unhealthy standards for what it means to be a man, we create a vicious cycle of harm – to the family, the community and our entire country.

Raising boys: The nature vs. nurture debate

When it comes to raising boys, there is a heated debate about the question of “nature or nurture”. Do boys behave differently – are they more active, louder, more easily distracted – because they are naturally different from girls or because we expect them to be?

In her book When Boys Become Boys, Judy Y. Chu, Ed.D., challenges many of the traditional ideas about boys. Chu suggests that behaviors typically considered “natural” for boys “reflect an adaptation to cultures that require boys to be stoic, competitive, and aggressive.” We cannot change this development of toxic masculinity without showing boys how to shed harmful cultural norms.

It's not enough to demand equality for girls in fields traditionally dominated by boys – like STEM, business, politics – we also need to change the way we educate boys. We need to make it a priority to show boys how to express their feelings. We need to normalize boys taking on the role of caregiver. We need to teach them that feelings and behaviors traditionally considered “feminine” – crying, sadness and fear, sensitivity, compassion – are actually human feelings and behaviors. And we need to give them the freedom to make mistakes without labeling them as “bad” or a “behavioral problem.”

Related Topics: I don't just raise little boys, I raise big men

Before we label a boy a “behavior problem” because he can't sit still in class, perhaps educators should consider other measures. Fathers of daughters, stop posting your sexist stereotypes about protecting your daughters from our sons. Whether you have boys or not, please be careful how you talk about them, because our children are listening. We should expect boys to behave respectfully and kindly, and when they don't, we should treat them with respect and kindness as we guide them along the way.

The way we raise boys – whether they are our sons, nephews or the kid next door – is the responsibility of each and every one of us. After all, it affects all of us and the generations to come.

A version of this post was published in October 2022. It has been updated.