Fantasy Football – Latest News: Jerome Ford, Drake London, Anthony Richardson (Week 1)

Your benevolent King of Spice is back to gaze wistfully into the crystal ball. Each week I'll attempt to predict the most unlikely happenings in the NFL from a fantasy perspective. I also took a stab at a macro perspective on the 2024 season here. I earned my crown by cooking up the world's best hot sauce while simultaneously attacking fantasy drafts and NFL DFS lobbies with reckless abandon.

Kevin Harlan would cry: “Without regard for human life!” Ok, maybe that is a light Embellishment. There is still a reputation to defend here. The more unusual and in flamesthe better. My biggest hits of the last few years sound like the Tavon Austin tape in West Virginia and have paved the way to fantasy football glory for countless loyal readers.

I'm not a heathen. There are rules I govern myself by. These are not one-liners, no no. Any juicy prediction (hot interpretation) will be a multi-layered, convoluted tarot reading that I hope will read like a headline once the clock hits three zeros. As much as I'd love to brag mercilessly about my clairvoyance on social media, all parts of the prediction must be accurate.

After all, I don’t want Strictly speaking I don't care about my win rate. I'd rather land a handful of really crazy ayahuasca-laced shots in the dark than a bunch of watered down takes that anyone could have predicted. Ready, set… let's go.

Hot Takes from Week 1 of Fantasy Football

Jerome Ford battles his way to 160 scrimmage yards and two touchdowns as the Browns embarrass the Cowboys in a multi-score loss

I'm a Cowboys fan. Pained and jaded, I'm now permanently angry at America's team. They're not a good football team, especially in the trenches. Cleveland's offense seems to be fast and explosive on the ground, perfect for exploiting the weakness of Mike Zimmer's defense.

Jerome Ford is the best player in the Browns backfield, Nick Chubb is on the mend. He has great vision and is an explosive playmaker, especially in the passing game. Dallas will have no answers up front, nor will they be able to consistently move the chains with their makeshift offensive line. I'm so pessimistic about Dallas that I won't see them this year. Part of me hopes I'm wrong. Most of my being is predicting a complete implosion that would force a rebuild.

The “newly managed” Falcons crush the Steelers by 20 points as Drake London scores more PPR points than Arthur Smith's offense scores total points

It's really amazing how many people think the Steelers will be good this year. Mike Tomlin is a good football coach, but his coordinator selection in recent years has seriously called his judgment into question. Arthur Smith got immensely talented personnel in his supposedly intelligent system and yet failed to score over 30 points in regular time, even once in his three seasons in Atlanta.

He's almost as awful as Zac Robinson is exciting for these talented players. Drake London was languishing under Smith and was so neglected that many began to doubt his abilities. Kyle Pitts and Bijan Robinson will be on the ball again this year. London will be the best from the start.

QB Sensei Shane Steichen unleashes a healthy Anthony Richardson on the favored Texans and scores 35 fantasy points and is QB1 for the week; Colts and Texans have the highest total points of the week at 72

This intra-division rivalry will be a fireworks display. Anthony Richardson was a baller for fantasy managers in the brief healthy snapshot last year. Injuries have sidelined nearly all of the good fantasy players in Indy. Jonathan Taylor and Michael Pittman are back, as is standout rookie Josh Downs.

Alec Pierce is expected to make a big leap forward, while new rookie Adonai Mitchell has plenty of explosive potential. Houston's rise to greatness is well-documented. CJ Stroud has plenty of weapons. DFS players, take note. This is the game I'll be approaching with ferocious aggression.

Brock Bowers, a native of Northern California, is the best TE in the PPR rating. With 120 scrimmage yards and a touchdown, the Raiders “surprise” Jim Harbaugh's Chargers with the lowest total points of the week

While I don't think any of these AFC West teams will look great in 2024, they do have a few underrated players for us fantasy degenerates. Brock Bowers is the best TE prospect in the history of the game. His football IQ is unmatched. Bowers is incredibly athletic, enough to bring steady incoming recruits to the damn University of Georgia.

The Raiders already have a good young TE in Michael Mayer, but Bowers was just too good to pass up. He will tear the Chargers defense apart. Although this game will be slow with field position and clock control on both sides, the stars will shine.