Iowa Conference: Reorientation of the Reference

I used to be a team leader at Target in Cheyenne, Wyoming. A team leader is kind of like a department manager, but I oversaw several departments: toys, electronics, seasonal, automotive. They pretty much gave me all the noisy and messy areas. What I hated most about the seasonal department was that it went from the early Christmas set in September[i] By the end of February, after we had taken down the Valentine's Day kit, glitter was everywhere. I think comedian Demetri Martin summed it up best when he said, “Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once you have it on you, you'll have it on you for a while.” Half the year I went home covered in glitter.

If you've read any of my articles or chatted with me, you probably know that humor is my preferred coping mechanism. I've tried to use my sparkly clothing for comedic purposes several times. My personal favorite was when I opened an early Christmas set box and red glitter exploded all over me. I looked at my crew and announced, “Look! I'm Ziggy Stardust!” and promptly started singing David Bowie's The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars in its entirety. As a fan of classic rock, I found this hilarious. I was alone in this opinion, because no one else even giggled! A few days later, another glitter bomb exploded and I was the main victim. This time, I started belting out Glen Campbell's “Like a Rhinestone Cowboy” and my crew laughed so hard that some of them had to sit down. I was so relieved! You know, I was worried that maybe I wouldn't be funny, but then I realized the problem was that they didn't listen to good music!

While most people would probably agree that Glen Campbell isn't that great, the real problem wasn't the quality of the music, but the cultural frame of reference I was speaking from. There aren't many prog rockers in Cheyenne, Wyoming, but everyone there is exposed to near-lethal doses of old country/western music. When I changed the frame of reference I was speaking from, the crew got the joke.

The APA defines frame of reference as “the set of assumptions or criteria by which a person or group judges ideas, actions, and experiences. A frame of reference can often limit or distort perceptions, as in the case of prejudices and stereotypes.”[ii] These criteria are determined by the culture, the person's experiences, or simply the context of the moment. Our frame of reference has a huge, unconscious influence on how we interpret the world around us. For example, my wife and I are originally from South Dakota. We spent twelve years in Iowa, and we often saw bumper stickers with the outline of the state of Iowa and the word “Native” in the middle. To our frame of reference, “Native” is synonymous with “indigenous.” We found it very disturbing to see that the drivers of these cars were always white. In my twelve years in Iowa, I only met one indigenous person, and he was from Rapid City, South Dakota. Now, these bumper stickers are neither racist nor problematic, but to our frame of reference, it was pretty jarring that the driver's reality was so different from our expectations.

Conflict of defective frames

Many conflicts arise when people talk about different things but think they agree. A member of my church told me how he got into trouble during the first year of his marriage because he never did the dishes. He did the dishes, he washed them, dried them, and put them away, but his wife got angry with him for not wanting to do the dishes. After repeated arguments, his wife finally shared the expectation that clearing the counters and wiping the stove was part of doing the dishes, and he hadn't realized that was part of the job. In her family, that was just the way it was; in his family, it just wasn't.

I believe that the recent schism in the United Methodist Church is because so many of us have been talking from one frame of reference to a completely different frame of reference and simply not recognizing this. Seven or eight years ago I was at a missions workshop. During a break I started a discussion with a colleague who later broke away from us. He came from a different faith tradition than the United Methodist Church and just didn't understand why we were wasting so much time talking about missions when we should be focusing on the work of the church: saving souls. At that moment I knew we had a radically different frame of reference. He thought that missions work, while not bad, should be subordinate to evangelism and affirming the faith. His worldview was that it doesn't matter if we feed people, because going to hell on an empty stomach is no better than going to hell on a full stomach. He understood the reality of local church work; money, manpower, and volunteer hours are limited. We need to manage our resources better and focus on the mission of saving souls through evangelism. From my perspective, the idea of ​​saving souls is ridiculous. I can't do it. My church can't do it. Only Jesus can do it.[iii] At least I refuse to be crucified for the new member class I'm about to attend. The best thing the church can do is make disciples of Jesus Christ, and missionary work in the world is an extension of that discipleship.

I'm glad I was able to have that conversation with him because it gave me a solid frame of reference for the next few years as that group slowly left the United Methodist Church. I was able to contextualize their words and actions in a way that made sense to me. I still fundamentally disagree with him, but it's easier not to hate someone when you understand them.

The whole country is struggling with a framing problem

Why did the Founding Fathers rebel against England? The old rallying cry, “No taxation without representation,” springs to mind. If you ask any group of Americans, they'll say it was because of taxation. The king wanted too much money, and George Washington had enough and decided to throw Cornwallis out! There's a strong correlation between people who think we were founded because of a tax dispute and people who complain about the taxes they currently pay. They're projecting their current reality onto our country's history. Of course, if you ask any other group of Americans, they'll tell you it was about representation. The tax burden the king imposed on the colonies wasn't all that high, but the problem was that you were forced to pay the taxes without having a say in policy. Again, there's a strong correlation between people who are currently underrepresented and those who project their current reality onto history.

Consider any major contentious issue we struggle with, and it goes back to the individual's frame of reference. The conflict over modern policing, for example, goes back to a frame of reference. As a white, middle-class man, the only times I've had contact with the police have been when I've done something stupid (speeding or noise complaints when I was young), when I needed help, or on Thanksgiving (one of my best friends and my brother-in-law are police officers). I have a very positive frame of reference. But my Black and Indigenous friends have had several negative encounters, unwarranted stops, intrusive questions, and searches of their bodies and vehicles that border on the illegal. When speaking from one frame of reference to another, statistics, personal anecdotes, and “common sense” are[iv] will not be translated.

How do we design

Before we talk about it, ask yourself, “Do I want to understand people or do I want to persuade them?” If you're looking for persuasion techniques, I really don't have any for you. I wish I did! Some frames of reference are just wrong and hurtful. I wish I had the knowledge and power to hold those perspectives and change them, but I don't. The best we can hope for is to understand them, and then we can deal with them better.

To better understand people with a different frame of reference, I will copy a few answers from a guidance counselor's website.[v] The first step is to understand that we don't all come from the same place. We may think we're on the same page, we may use the same words, but the meaning and context of the conversation can be radically different. The first time I distributed Communion was at Fairburn United Methodist Church. I asked them how they administered Communion, and they said, “Oh, the usual way.” Well, I've always gone to medium to large sized churches. For me, the usual way was cut up cubes of bread and shot glasses of vodka. For them, “usual” meant all ten of them standing in a line at the altar, being handed some bread, and then drinking the common cup. You're all in agreement there, aren't you? That's not the usual way in the United Methodist Church! That Sunday, there was about 15 minutes of discomfort as we all redefined what we thought was normal. If we had all thought for a moment that maybe we were talking about different things… it probably still would have been awkward, but I would have found a way! But it probably wouldn't have been so bad.

Second, seek understanding and be genuinely curious. Ask questions, even if they seem ridiculously simple or redundant! I have never met anyone who didn't want to talk about their worldview with someone who was genuinely interested. I believe that open curiosity can heal many wounds in this world.

Finally, try to speak on their level. If you can speak on their level, understand their cultural assumptions, and apply them, you can build a deeper connection with them. This may feel fake or mocking, but think more like you're on a journey of discovery. You're trying to connect with a worldview that's different from your own, so you need to explore the meaning and phrasing of this new world. If you mess it up, they'll find it endearing that you're trying to connect with them on their level. Unless, of course, you're talking to teenagers. Then, to quote Dante, “Abandon all hope, ye who come here.”

This is an election year. Many of us are in battle mode, wanting to either convince or destroy anyone who thinks differently than us! The temptation to speak disingenuously to other frames of reference is very strong, but if we are to be a connected and connective church, we must seek to understand each other better so that we can speak better to each other.

[i] GROSS. Advent is enough time to prepare for Christmas.

[ii]

[iii] Did he do that? Is he doing that? Will he do that someday? The tense of the verb changes in your Christology and eschatology, but ultimately that is Jesus's job.

[iv] In my experience, 100% of the people who talk about “common sense” are completely blinded by their own prejudices.

[v]