After my wife died, I'm drowning in medical bills. How do I get back on my feet?

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• For Love & Money is a Business Insider column that answers your questions about relationships and money.
• This week, a reader is in debt for medical bills following the death of his wife.
• Our columnist recommends getting a detailed invoice and finding out what costs can be saved.
• Do you have a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

Last year my wife died of cancer. I am heartbroken and facing a mountain of medical bills – I have no idea how I am going to carry on and pay it all off on my modest salary. My wife earned most of our money when she was still working. I have enough to get by, but I have nothing left. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

The situation you're in is terribly unfair. No one should have to get a bill for their grief. But I'm not going to rant about the impossible state of healthcare in the United States. Instead, I'm going to give you practical steps to tackle the mountain of medical debt so you can at least grieve in peace.

To get this advice, I asked my father-in-law, the CEO of a hospital who knows all the inside tricks to figuring out how much your medical bills are. First, he says you should never write a check right away. It can be easy to treat medical bills like any other form of debt – responsible people just pay them.

However, because hospitals set prices that insurance companies inevitably negotiate down, and there are often ways to help people in difficult financial situations, many people don't realize that there is usually some wiggle room in the final figure, so there's no reason to jump on it.

My father-in-law suggests calling the hospital and speaking to someone in the billing department. Each hospital is different, but many have foundations that can help you reduce your bill or eliminate it entirely. They may require you to prove your need with an application, proof of income, a letter or more. He says the key to getting financial assistance is showing that you are willing to cooperate as much as possible in the payment process and being honest about your need.

Even if you don't qualify for debt relief, the provider you owe money to will almost certainly work out a manageable payment plan with you. After all, they would rather get a little money over a long period of time than nothing at all because you had to file for bankruptcy.

You've probably considered this already, but you could also use the life insurance payout you received after your wife died to pay for the hospital bills. Going from dual income to a smaller single income will be a difficult adjustment for you, so removing medical debt from the equation will give you more wiggle room to restructure your budget to fund your new life.

I also asked my friend Blaise Cannon about your situation; as the father of a child with a congenital disease, he has unfortunately become something of an expert when it comes to medical debt. His first piece of advice was the same as my father-in-law's: never pay immediately. You have the right to review everything. You will need an itemized list to review your bill, so call and request one.

If the itemized bill you receive is written in insurance codes, call back and ask for a bill written in plain language. After you receive this bill, be on the lookout for any surprise charges or services you don't remember using. Email or call the billing department to clarify anything you don't understand.

Cannon also advised knowing your rights. For example, you can't be billed out of network for an emergency hospital stay. And if you have insurance, you should never agree to pay up front because getting reimbursed by your insurance company will be a brutal process.

He also suggested renegotiating each bill each time. That can be a difficult mindset to have, since most of our bills in life aren't up for discussion, but hospitals typically build those negotiations into their prices. For example, Cannon said you could offer to pay a smaller amount up front rather than agreeing to an installment plan for the total cost. If you agree to an installment plan, insist on a discount for automatic payment.

Finally, Cannon told me that he's learned to keep checking monthly bills. Since payment plans are often outsourced to third parties, mistakes are common and you don't want to overpay.

As you make the necessary phone calls, go through the pile of bills, and begin to tackle that mountain of debt, I hope you also find the space to take care of yourself. Money seems to make the world go round, which is why it's so easy to get swept up in financial worries, even when a thousand other things deserve our time and attention. But you've lost your life partner. Right now, the most important thing you can do is figure out how to move on as a human being.

I keep my fingers crossed for you.

For love and money

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